Apparently, there are not enough sexy, animal stories on Gavage. ”Till you have more animal stories, you’re not a real media player,” Anon wrote. Anon is right. Animal stories are a staple of big media. People love to read about kittens. Kittens are adorable (*OMG, *BARF, *LOL)!
Gavage has its own favourite animal stories, but they’re a little more ‘niche’. We like the “Man Kills Gay Dog” and “Horse Kills Baby” stories. The human element is important to us. Our favourites tend to be somewhat one-dimensional, and rather brief, and often conceptual.
They are summed up by that old media formula ‘X Vs Y’ [i.e. "Pensioner Struck by Bus" gets reduced to 'Man Vs Car']. These are Hemingway’s kind of animal stories [i.e. 'Old Man Vs Sea' – written in his favoured 'Noun Verb Noun' binary ad nauseum].
Gawker did a little better. They usually do.
Bird 1 : Fabio 0 March 30, 1999 (Image: AP Photo/The Virginian-Pilot, Steve Earley)
They ran a great fluff, list-driven feature on those aspirational moments “When Animals Attack Celebrities“. Puffin-slaying Gordon Ramsay made the chop, as did Avianaphobe Fabio. Celebrity misfortune is a staple of tabloid politics. And we are living in the 21st Century after all: The Century of Celebrity Schadenfreude.
Gawker’s Top 6 Animal Attacks on Celebrities:
- Susan Sarandon’s Dolphin Attack
- Fabio Meets a Bird
- A Tiger Shows Roy That He’s a Tiger
- Crikey, Steve
- Ryan Seacrest’s Gay Shark Attack
- The Littlest Terror: Puffins Vs Gordon Ramsay
1 Comment
October 7, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Gosh. Aren’t animals wacky! Stuff women, gays, and the non-whites, I think we’ve found the new ‘oppressed.’
Aren’t they cute, with their little shiny eyes, wet noses and/or dinky little flippers? My! And how we continue to be shocked by what happens when their natural habitat is invaded, or, even worse, they’re yanked from it to be incarcerated and made to perform awkwardly to receive basic food and shelter (much like Australian Idol contestants.)
Here’s a thought – If we travel out into the wilds or up into the skies, chances are we’re going to encounter some of God’s little ‘miracles,’ who will probably not be used to human contact, and will definitely not be aware of man’s inherent superiority.
Let’s face it – most animals are simple, covered in parasites, prone to violent outbursts, and generally smell of whatever they just ate with a healthy shot of urine thrown in for luck. I vote that we should leave them alone as much as possible. Would you befriend a human with these attributes? Even if they weren’t Amy Winehouse?
However, when a tall man(apparently once attractive) with an overly large square head lurches over a bend in the roller coaster tracks to be hit in the face by a little shiny-eyed bird merely going about it’s daily routine, I do cheer for that bird. And possibly through schadenfreude. But not just towards him – no tall poppy bias here! Towards every single person that puts their head on that amusement park chopping block in the name of ‘entertainment.’ Serves him right and I wish it would happen more often.
Day off? Want to do something possibly self-harmful, and guaranteed to cause at least a certain level of personal discomfort? Go jump in the ocean or strap yourself into a rollercoaster. Do anything you can to get close to a stinking wild animal you’d never encounter in the course of your everyday life. Be my guest.